Sunnykhalsa’s blog

"The other day a couple came to me for marriage therapy.  Each spouse had hurt the other by his or her actions.  They said they loved each other and wanted to get past their anger.  I asked the wife if she could forgive him.  She right away said, "Yes."  The husband, after a long pause said, "I will forgive her if she really forgives me."  I asked him how he would know that she had really forgiven him and he said, "If she does not bring it ever again what I had said or done in the past."  I wondered how long will he wait to convince himself of that.   
Forgiving is not about the wrongdoer, it's about you.  You forgive people, not for their sake, but for your own sake.  You forgive because you want to set yourself free.  You set yourself free by breaking the shackles of anger, hurt, helplessness or shame and that occurs when you forgive the person who caused those feelings." - Vijai Sharma

For god's sake all who dont want to forgive read this..For god's sake who don't want to help people on the path to redemption read this...Why cant you forgive ??? Forgiveness will just make you divine...As Vijai says " You set yourself free by breaking the shackles of anger, hurt, helplessness or shame and that occurs when you forgive the person who caused those feelings "...Its simple forgiveness not only helps those who caused you hurt it helps those who got hurt !!!!!!

Uhhhh - Emotional Burnout - Part 3.

21st July 2008 : The Long weekend was over. Drinking from Friday to Saturday had made it tiring. We friends loved hanging out and just de stressing through alcohol..ummm they through fun and me through the liquor. I think my friends got tired of me cribbing about how she must hate me. They told me " Dude, Forget her. We know you just want her to remember you so that you could apologise to her. However forget it, it just wont work out. If she wanted to respond, she would have responded." I looked at them with a straight face and told them i just want forgiveness and i am sure i would get it.She was an angel and angels dont change.

Sunday was office and i could hardly work. Felt really lonely. Even for someone who loves loneliness it had become too much. I came back home on Monday morning. Looked at my scrapbook. No response. Checked details of open friend requests. Rejection!!!! My heart fell out. I guess i deserved it. Maybe she didnt remember me, Maybe she hated me, Maybe she thought i was weird, So many maybe's and soo few answers..

It took me time to recover and i realised that i probably couldnt get forgiveness from her. But that did not stopped me from trying so therefore i decided to blog...

My final act of redemption - This open letter.

Dear Friend,

I hope , and my gut feel tells me that you remember me. By the time you finish reading this series of blogs i am sure that would be the case.

First of all let me tell you why i am writing to you. Honestly the loss of your friendship however understandable it may be was one of the biggest blows to me. A blow i have not yet recovered from. At this point of time you may think that this is such a small thing however for me who treasured your friendshio it was one of the biggest mistakes of my life. I know it was my own doing and i am the one to blame. However i needed to redeem myself in my own eyes and thats what i am doing. Let me assure you that i am only trying to bring a closure to a chapter which has pained me for the last 11 years.

I know we knew each other a long time back. Probably seems like another life time to you. I know we moved our different ways and you would love your life to go the way its going. I know that you are probably married or engaged or would be engaged. From the bottom of my heart i wish you guys a great life ahead. My intentions are honourable. The only thing i want is forgiveness and nothing else. Forgiveness because i treated you wrong and caused hurt to you and in turn caused hurt to myself.

They say ""Classic remorse, as all the moralists are agreed, is a most undesirable sentiment. If you have behaved badly, repent, make what amends you can and address yourself to the task of behaving better next time. On no account brood over your wrongdoing. ROLLING IN THE MUCK IS NOT THE BEST WAY OF GETTING CLEAN."  I want to get out of this muck.

Anyways that is all i have to say.

Its not necessary for you to respond. If you want to leave any messages be it of anger or whatever please message me

Good Luck and God bless you,

Sunny

Uhhhh - Emotional Burnout - Part 2

18th July 2008 - Got out of the office in the morning. The Office is one place where i feel like a tiger. When out of the office i am an emotional wreck, a loner. Therefore the only recourse to survival is to drink with my buddies and ease the pain so as to enjoy life. To be honest, i am sure most of them realize i am a loner, but probably none realize that i feel like a wreck.

On that day i was in luck. My buddy from the Army was back in town. The Captain, when i had spoken to him the previous afternoon, had invited me over for brunch (or was it me who had invited myself over??!!). Honestly, i don’t have a clue. I had been high when we had spoken via phone. The Captain and his wife were really happy to see me. I had good food and put in about 7-8 cocktails of gin into myself. And i did feel happy after the concoction. Wouldn’t you? Anyways they enjoyed my company as i have this uncanny knack to make people feel happy. As i drove back home, 50 Kilometers from the Captain's house, the only thing on my mind was  - Had she replied? To the music of U2 - With or Without You and Pearl Jam's - Last Kiss my heart waited and waited.........................................

As i switched on my comp at home the only noise i could hear was the beating of my heart backed up with noise from the CPU. Sweat poured from me as i logged into Orkut. Finally I saw a scrap - at last a scrap from her. The message simply read, " I am not engaged - Thanks anyway". I was astounded - How could i be wrong??? I had trawled through her scrapbook expertly and had come to the conclusion that she was engaged. Was i seeing stuff on her scrapbook?? Not sure of what was happening, and not sure even if she remembered me, i decided to take it one step further

I left a simple message - " I guess someone made a Mickey out of me :) Btw do you remember me?” I also decided to escalate the situation further - i decided to send her a friend request. It was make or break time...I wanted to know what was in her mind...And the wait began. Again !!!!

Footnote:I am really sorry about trawling through your scrapbook but i was desperate to figure out that you were the right person !!

Uhhhh - Emotional Burnout - Part 1

17th July 2008 - The 17th saw me scrapping on orkut. After a long time decided to search for old friends. Searched for her specifically. Earlier attempts to contact her had been a complete failure as she did not respond. This time there was a change in her profile 1) Her snaps had been uploaded 2) An older scrap from her friend congratulating her on her engagement.

The last time i had spoken with her was in October/November 1997 when i was in my XIth Grade .Though not partners we were good friends. The pictures snapped me back into the past. What a fool i had been to break our friendship due to my egoism. She had apologised for what i had percieved she had done. She had told me that she loved talking to me and trusted me completely and missed the discussions we used to have about life. And i like an idiot, an egoistic idiot, had ignored her request to be friends again. What did i have at that time from a social perspective - Absolutely nothing except for my male buddies and of course that curse -  alcohol. Women used to think i was weird - and here was this really cute girl , whom i had known for Six Months and  who was a hearthrob for many in school including me, and she was telling me that she completely trusted and valued me as one of her closest friends. She had seen in me what a lot of people including yours truly had not noticed - Loyalty, Courage and Commitment. She was boosting me and giving my confidence back to me. Can anyone guess what my response was????????.....Those words which came out of my mouth still haunt me till this very day "I dont know, we will see"

It has been nearly 11 years but my memories and regrets about her are still there, fresh as if all this happened yesterday. As i looked at those pictures on her profile it was painful. Painful, of course due to my stupidity, that i could not share my joy in life with her. Well then i decided that it was time for me to ask for forgiveness and rebuild that friendship which had promised so much...but had delivered so less. I am a firm believer that women can have friends who are not their lovers and thats what i wanted from her. I  want her to be just that simple friend.

Doubts came into my mind as i checked her scrapbook. Was she the right person ??? As i trawled through her entire scrapbook and looked at her friends list, checked their profiles and testimonials, i realized i had the right person. .Would she remember me ??? I decided to test the waters. I sent her a scrap congratulating her on her engagement and hoping that she would have a great life ahead. As i switched my computer off, i finished my 3rd beer. Realizing i would probably have to wait for a day for a response i decided that i better sleep off. After all life had to go on and then there was office @ night. Couldnt afford to miss that, could I ? was the last the thought in my mind as i closed my eyes.